Passion

I may be the worst philosopher around, I can't never be completely serious, for whatever reason. I find that entertaining but frustrating, specially the later to the other person who is pretending to pay attention.

This might be my most serious entry yet. Just be ready for anything!

Somehow, I feel like I'm running out of time. Life time, that is. Like, it all will be over soon and that thought scares me, a lot. And that is weird because I never felt worried about my own mortality. I always thought that, when you are not happy, not about a single thing, death should feel like a relief; but being myself under that circumstance, I fear it more than I ever did, since I never cared...

I'm not ill, sick, or anything (ok, well, mentally ill I'd say just enough to not be confined in a comfy 4 soft walls asylum), I just feel like it will happen soon, and I won't have time to do and learn everything I wanted. Not that I wanted to live long, I thought living up to my 50s would be more than enough. Now I wish I could be young a little longer, so I could get some extra time. I'm almost 30 now and going through what it could be the second worst period of my life, and I can't help but feel like I'm wasting valuable time here, yet there's nothing I can do but to wait a little longer.

Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell...

I can be very, very dramatic, in a manner that you'd never see it coming, but be sure of this, it will come. Also, I couldn't care less about most things, to the point where I seem to be very apathetic to everything. I know there's always been a lack of passion in my life, at least in comparison to others who would do anything and everything it takes to achieve what they want. I don't have a specific thing that I might be passionate about. I want many things, I like many, many things; but I do not excel on any field of my interest and wanting is not the same as being passionate.

Right now, I'm trying to be cheerful and positive but nothing is right. My mind is all over the place, my heart is broken, my goals are nonexistent, I'm scared and alone. I know no one will come and try to save me, for I have pushed them all away from me.

I wish somebody would do just that. A specific someone.

I don't want my life to end at this point, but I have nothing to live for either. It is weird. I want to be random, happy, to be the multi-tasker and multi-achiever I was when I was younger. I want my friends. I want to feel understood, and to have 'partners in crime' again.

I keep living because of me, but I have no idea why I'm doing that, I simply can't give up. I wish I had a reason. Sometimes I think I'm one of those persons who are just there to be a 'sidekick'. In all honesty, that doesn't sound too terrible to me. Which it might be my biggest problem, who knows? I'm more like a cheerleader than the college sports star anyway. I'm good to support others and be there for others, as long as they let me, I'm just a 'partner' not a mastermind. I don't need to shine if I can help my loved ones shine, that's all I need. I don't know when that started or if it's any healthy at all.

I've always had a hard time looking for something to keep me interested, to be passionate about. Passion is important, but I have none. I guess, it's others' passion what makes me want to help them, be there for them, and all that jazz; because I can't find my own.

And I'm running out of time...

To end this post, because I'm being all sad and pathetic, I'll post a music video, one of my favorites of all times.

Oldie but goodie, imo.

Laters.

Ranx2